Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Two Fake Science Papers

Abstract of a scientific paper written in the style of a postmodern humanities scholar:

The implications of inertia have been ably limned by Newton, Euler and others in both a point-mass and extended body milieu. Later workers such as Einstein and Bohr provided differently paradigmed anti-absolutist and post-continuum perspectives that served to undermine and transgress old assumptions in diverse directions. In the present work, multiple strands of thought are compared, contrasted and combined to result in a new framework within which is developed, inter alia, an anti-post-post-modern reckoning of the precession rate of a spinning hoop.

Abstract of the ideal engineering paper:

The orthogeometric method has been used to derive a governing equation for the number of nodes in a directed network. Using Hopf's Theorem, it is shown that the governing equation has precisely four solutions for boundary conditions that cover all situations of practical interest. A special case of the first solution recovers the well-known result that traffic circles are better than stoplights. The solution set provides additional low-cost traffic-control strategies with a lower-bound reduction of 93% in travel delays for Los Angeles with no changes to existing vehicle characteristics, total road mileage or right-of-way width.

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