Thursday, August 7, 2014

The Invention of Cheese

The sun has just gone down and a cave man is gnawing on a bone. Another cave man enters.

CAVE MAN #1: Geez, I'm starving. I thought I was gonna run down that wildebeest, but lost him when I tripped over that tree we felled last year to appease the rain god. So all I've got is this leftover from yesterday. It's still got a little gristle on it.

CAVE MAN #2: Dude, you want to try something new? (Takes out cheese.)

CAVE MAN #1: What kind of meat is that?

CAVE MAN #2: It's not meat. It's something I've been working on for the past few months.

CAVE MAN #1: Is it a fruit? You know fruit tears me up. Ever since I ate those green fruits, I avoid the stuff like poison.

CAVE MAN #2: It's not a fruit. In fact, I don't really know what it is. But I'll tell you how I made it. You know those furry animals with horns that live up on the mountain?

CAVE MAN #1: You mean the ones that smell bad and butt you in the stomach if you get too close?

CAVE MAN #2: The same. I noticed these sort of nozzle thingies hanging down under them. Only about half of them have the nozzles. Not sure what's up with that. Anyhow, I snuck up to this one animal and started yanking on those nozzle things.

CAVE MAN #1: Why?

CAVE MAN #2: No reason, just wanted to see what would happen. Get this: some white fluid started squirting out.

CAVE MAN #1: White fluid? You mean, like milk that comes out of women?

CAVE MAN #2: I don't know whether it's milk, or some kind of sap, or what. But anyway, I collected some of this white stuff in the skin I use to carry water from the stream. I was real thirsty, so I tried drinking some of it, and it's not too bad.

CAVE MAN #1: Your soul has surely been possessed by the demon god of fermented grains.

CAVE MAN #2: I know it sounds crazy, but bear with me. I stored some of this white liquid in a hollow rock in the back cave; you know, the one that's too damp to sleep in. I forgot about it for three new moons, but then ran across it when I was looking for the red war paint last week before we went into battle against the desert tribe. So as I was sayin', I found this stuff and it had literally solidified. There was some kind of blue fuzz growing on it, which I brushed off. Here, try some!

CAVE MAN #1: Christ, it stinks! It smells like the droppings of the wild boar. Get it out of here!

I don't know how to end this story other than to say that I really like cheese. But the more I think about it, the less I like it.    

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